


The Unexpected Life

by MateaHefler



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Expect anything., F/M, Female Bilbo, Oh well., Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Romance, Slow updates., Why did I start this., adds will be tagged.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-17 08:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1381006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MateaHefler/pseuds/MateaHefler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A modern woman, aged 32- almost 33, gets hit by a car while tying her laces. She opens her eyes to the strange new world and a tall man she calls an overgrown moth. Whatever will happen to her, I wonder?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. From Earth to Middle Earth

**Author's Note:**

> I am already regretting this but the idea just would not leave me alone.
> 
> I apologise if the story sucks.
> 
> Kisha is pronounced: Ki like in Kili, sh like in short and a is like a in apologise (well, this explanation sucked).
> 
> Enjoy (I hope) and feel free to leave suggestions.

It is never fun being different, no matter whether you came to peace with that fact or not. That's just how the world works and that's what Kisha realised very soon after becoming one of the "amazing bearded women" (no, she was not a part of a circus). Even after years of painful and expensive treatments, Kisha's facial and body hair grew wherever it could- and she accepted the fact that her damned hormones worked like that. What Kisha never got over though was the loss of her, long ago, beautiful voice- now, it was almost as deep as a genetic male's. She was perfectly happy with her life though, for she had a few best friends who she loved dearly, she had a job that she loved (despite the crazy hours) because she helped people (Kisha was a nurse) and she had a baby sister that meant the world to her. At the age of 23, Kisha and Ana's mother died so Kisha became Ana's guardian. It was not easy raising an eleven-year-old girl but Kisha survived (barely).

Kisha adored Ana and tried to give her what she did not have in her childhood (a lot of love and support) and Ana grew into a stunning (if Kisha, as a sister, could say so) woman. Everything fell apart for Kisha, one Autumn day.

Kisha was working, beaming and talking to the patients as she drew blood and/or tended to the wounds, tired because she worked second shift the day before and, here she was, working the first shift. It did nothing to ruin her mood, though. Kisha was merely irritated because she had to work on Ana's twenty-first birthday, from seven to seven.

Kisha became more snappish as the day progressed (and a few of the patients with brain atrophy tried to either kick, choke, punch or bite her). Her head was aching, her back was sending jolts of pain with each step she took (and to think, it was only three in the afternoon) and she had pierced her thumb with the needle she used to take a blood sample from an HIV positive patient. The day has started off nicely and it slowly progressed to being a terrible one.

***  
Four and a half hours later (because the next shift just could not come on time), Kisha was on her way home. It was not cold outside, despite the rain, so she decided to walk home. She was talking with Ana on the phone, asking how her day was, then telling Ana of hers. They joked and laughed together and the day became a bit better to Kisha.

"Sir!" Kisha heard but ignored until a boy tugged on her hoody. Her mood went down the drain. "You dropped this."

"Thank you and I am a miss, little guy." Kisha chuckled through her irritation.

"You can't be, you have a beard."

"Are you a girl then?"

"No! I'm a boy" The boy stamped his foot.

"Well, you don't have a beard so leave me the hell alone!"

The boy gasped and ran away. Kisha sighed and smiled at the sound of giggles coming from the other end of the connection.

"Not funny, Ana." She grumbled.

"Well, you have to admit, you do look quite a bit like a dude, Kiki." Ana laughed. "I mean, your shoulders are broad, it has been quite some time since you've been on a depilation, your voice is deep and your breasts are smaller than a twelve year old's."

"Ana, you little shit, you're not helping."  
"I know!" Ana exclaimed happily. "By the way, our lovely neighbour sent another one of her dashing grandsons to meet with you."

"Did you tell him to go in vagina mater?"

"You could give the guy a chance, Kiki. After all," Ana snickered. "you are an old maid."

"No."

"Come on, your last relationship was six years ago. You need to find yourself a guy, or a girl, to went with."

"Ew. I don't need my baby sister to tell me to have sex."

"I did not say that, you just have a dirty mind."

"So have you."

"And whose fault is that, I wonder."

"Not mine." Kisha grinned. "Hang on, my laces are undone."

Kisha kneeled and placed the phone on the concrete by her left leg. She did not notice a car going straight at her, she didn't even hear the screech of the breaks moments before it hit her.

"Kisha? Kisha?" Ana's panicked voice could be heard from the phone. "KISHA!"

***

"What the..." Kisha mumbled when she opened her eyes to the rolling hills and sunny skies. "Where the hell am I?"

"You're on the borders of The Shire, my dear girl." A man, a very tall man, informed her, his blue eyes twinkling. Kisha was not sure how she managed not to notice him immediately. "Tell me, what is a dwarrowdam doing so far away from the protection of the mountains?"

"A dwarrow... What the hell are you talking about?" Kisha, rudely, inquired. "And, why are you wearing robes?"

"Hm," The man squinted at her as he leaned on his staff (Kisha did not notice the staff either). "Do you not who am I?"

"Am I supposed to?"

"My name is Gandalf and Gandalf means..." The man spread his arms dramatically. "Me!"

"No," Kisha drawled. "I was sure it means me."

"Save me from the manners of a dwarf." The man, Gandalf, grumbled.

"Excuse me, but who the hell are you calling a dwarf, you overgrown moth?" Kisha growled, pulling herself to her full height (5 feet, 4 inches- thank you very much). 

"You do not know that you are a dwarf?" Gandalf queried, ignoring the insult.

"Look, I know I am shorter than you but I am actually of average height for a female."

"Tell me, my dear, where do you think you are?"

"I was on my way from work, talking to my sister over the phone then I was suddenly here. Am I dead?"

"In your world, I am sure, you are dead but Valar decided to give you life in this one."

"And which world is this?" Kisha hesitantly asked.

"Middle Earth."

"Uh-huh. Okay."

"Are you quite alright?"

Gandalf got his answer when Kisha fainted, her body falling heavily upon the grass. 

"Well, now..." Gandalf the Grey mumbled, staring at the girl. "I was not expecting this."


	2. Crying, comforting and a time skip

"Well, now..." Gandalf grumbled, squinting at the bearded girl. "I was not expecting this."

If Gandalf was being honest with himself, he did not know what he expected. He was surprised how he did not realise she was from another world just by setting his eyes on her clothes (which seemed to be made out of strange material). Gandalf observed the girl a little longer, coming to the conclusion that, indeed, she looked a lot like the dwarrowdams he knew and acted like the males of that race.

"Oh, yes, an adventure, indeed." Gandalf hummed, the twinkle in his eyes burning brighter.

***

Bilba Baggins, like every other Hobbit, enjoyed simple comforts in life. She did not like having her routine interrupted by meddling wizards (except when a certain wizard talked of the world far away from The Shire, of kings and queens, wars and feasts) or by the annoying cousins who could scare Orcs by their terrible voices. Bilba Baggins liked her peace and quiet, thank you very much.

Of course, Gandalf loved to amuse himself by annoying her, so he just had to bring her a dwarrowdam to take care of.

"She is not of this world, Bilba Baggins, so thread lightly." Were the wizard's only words before he went on his merry way.

Bilba glanced at the woman, thinking how she looked a lot like a man but, if you looked past the dark, shiny, facial hair and other, usually, masculine appearance, you could see the softness in her face, light curves beneath her clothes.

"What am I supposed to do now?" Bilba asked herself, hands on her hips. "Stare at the unfortunate woman?  
I think not! Bake, yes. That's a good idea."

So Bilba Baggins turned to what she knew best: cooking and baking. The woman was still passed out, hours after Gandalf brought her, from the shock. It was a bit worrying and, if anything, Bilba was a worrier by nature.

It was almost supper, when the woman woke up, cursing up a storm (making Bilba gasp at the language coming from a lady, no less).

"My dear God," the woman gasped when she set her eyes on Bilba. "You have pointy ears."

"I... Yes, well..." Bilba stuttered. "Hobbits have pointy ears. Is that a problem?"

"No, sorry." The woman smiled sheepishly. "I like them. My name is Kisha, by the way."

"Bilba Baggins, at your service." Bilba said. "Gandalf told me you are not of this world."

"I don't want to talk about it." Kisha replied, a sad look upon her face. "It will make me cry, you know."

"Why?"

"Because my sister is all alone now, and I am dead. I have died and, oh god, I am dead. I am dead and, oh god, oh god..."

'You've done it now, Bilba Baggins.' Bilba thought, biting her lip and wringing her hands. 'You've managed to make that poor woman cry mere moments after she woke up. Shame on you.'

"There, there now." Bilba awkwardly tried to comfort Kisha, patting her on the shoulder. Needless to say, Kisha only cried harder. "Are you hungry?"

Bilba sometimes surprised even herself with how idiotic she could be.

***

"Are you alright now?" Bilba queried tentatively.

"Not really."

"Oh." A brief pause. "Do you require something?"

"Maybe a bath."

"I'll show you where the bathroom is."

"Okay."

***

For the rest of the night, Kisha cried and Bilba could hear every sob and harsh intake of breath from Kisha. She was unsure whether Kisha would like someone to be with her or not. It was a terrible feeling, having someone suffer under your own roof while you are unable to do something about it.

***

Kisha cried herself to sleep, all the while thinking about the people she lost, the life and the future she was torn away from. Her dreams were nightmares, plagued by blood and death, and pain, so much pain.

Kisha woke up to Bilba caressing her hair the same way her grandmother did when she was sick. Bilba was also singing to her, her voice gentle and quiet. It was nice and it eased a bit of pain away.

"Did you ever lose someone, Miss Baggins?" Kisha whispered, not opening her eyes.

"I did. My mother and father."

"Does the pain ever go away?"

"No, but it gets easier with time." Bilba smiled. "You don't forget, you don't stop feeling pain but you start thinking of all the good memories and you can smile, laugh and think of them without breaking down, crying like a newborn babe."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Bilba, this will sound freaky but..." Kisha hesitated.

"What?"

"Will you hug me?" Kisha's voice was like a broken child's, hesitant and full of fear.

Bilba did not answer, only wrapped herself around Kisha and held her as she cried silently.

***

Nine months passed by and Kisha and Bilba became friends. They talked about everything, they hid nothing from each other. Bilba reminded Kisha of Ana, while Kisha made Bilba think of her mother (even though they were two very different people).

"Bilba!" Kisha yelled. "Where's my damned pipe?"

"Right there where you left it." Bilba answered, stuffing Kisha's pipe in her pocket.

"Yeah, but I do not know where that is."

"Oh, it'll come up, don't worry."

A moment passed without an answer then Kisha stood behind Bilba, hands on her hips, scowling.

"You took it again, haven't you?"

"Who? Me? Preposterous!"

"Bilba Baggins!" Kisha thundered. "You give me my pipe back straight away!"

"No!"

"You have your own pipe."

"You smoke too much."

"I smoke to relax."

Kisha did not expect to have her pipe thrown in her face. Bilba giggled at the shocked face Kisha made.

"You're acting like a child." Kisha scolded but her smile showed how amused she actually was.

"Like you don't?"

"Only when I'm drunk."

"No, you're a bit more amorous when drunk, not childish."

"That happened once! Once!"

"What about that one time I caught you smooching with my cousin Paladin? Or with Hamfast?"

"Oh..." Kisha bit her lower lip, eyes twinkling. "They were awfully cute at the time, Bilba. I just couldn't resist."

"Fortunately, you didn't dance with anyone." Bilba laughed.

"Er... Dance?" Kisha questioned.

"Yes, dance."

"Dancing like... With the music or between the sheets?"

"With the music."

"Oh, good, I didn't do that."

"But between the sheets?"

"... Maybe."

"Kisha!"

Kisha laughed and Bilba could not stay horrified by how improper she was. It took a long time for Kisha to open up to Bilba, to laugh with no restraints.

Bilba knew Kisha was not healed completely, but she also knew that she was well on her way to be.


	3. Of adventures and beards

3\. Of adventures and beards

It was a warm, but not overly so, day. It was a day made for relaxing and enjoying the sun and the light breeze caressing your skin. Kisha, though, did not enjoy days like that. The hair upon her body, black in color, attracted heat like flames moths and she was sweating more than a pig. Kisha was grumpy and, despite what she claimed, whiny. While Kisha hid herself in the cool interior of Bag End, safely away from the sun, Bilba was outside, smoking and enjoying the sunshine. It was quite a pleasant day until smoke made Bilba sneeze.

Bilba opened her eyes, only to clench them shut against the sight of a man before her.

"Good afternoon, Gandalf."

"What do you mean?" Gandalf queried, leaning against his staff. "Do you wish me a good afternoon? Or that this is a good afternoon whether I want it or not? Or that it's simply an afternoon to be good on?"

"All of them at once, I suppose." Bilba replied, ignoring the snickering coming from behind the closed door of Bag End.

"Hm." Hummed the wizard, giving Bilba a shrewd look. "I am looking someone to go on an adventure."

"An... What?" Bilba gasped. "I... I don't think anyone west of Bree would go on an adventure. Nasty, uncomfortable things."

"Makes you late for dinner." Kisha repeated in time with Bilba, smirking. "The lady doth protest too much."

"No, we do not want any adventures here." Bilba said, glaring at Kisha before turning back to Gandalf. "Try in Bree or over The Water. Good afternoon!"

Kisha and Gandalf watched, amused, a flustered Bilba run in the smial and bang the door closed.

"That's decided then." Gandalf said, nudging Kisha. "It will be most amusing for us and useful for our friend."

"Yeah, that should pull the pole out of her arse." Kisha mumbled as she watched Gandalf draw some sort of rune on the round, green door. "Tell me about this adventure, Gandalf."

"It will all be explained in three days, my dear."

"How many people?"

"I am not sure."

"Fat lot of help, you are."

"Expect anything." Gandalf smiled, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he did.

"What do you mean?" Kisha asked. "Gandalf! What do you mean?"

But she received no answer, for the wizard ignored her and quickly scurried down the path of Bagshot Row. Kisha huffed and returned in the coolness of Bag End.

***

Kisha stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her beard was thick and covering the bottom half of her face. She was unsure what to do with it. She did not like the idea of shaving but it was starting to curl like hair of a poodle. Her fingers tugged on the soft hair, nails scratching at the hidden skin.

"It doesn't look so bad." Kisha murmured to herself. "Maybe I could even do something with it. Decorate it even."

"Well, you could braid it." Bilba piped up from behind her.

"What?"

"I have heard dwarves braid their hair and beard." Bilba shrugged.

"Do the braids have a more significant meaning besides aesthetics?"

"I am not so sure."

"If every dwarf has braids, it probably does." Kisha mumbled. "I'll just brush it, for now."

Kisha did not even notice Bilba taking her father's shaving tools.

***

Three days passed since Gandalf unsettling (for Bilba) visit. Both Kisha and Bilba forgot all about it and went about they day like they did every other. Bilba cooked and cleaned while Kisha helped farmer Maggot with his crops and animals. Nothing unusual happened, but it was the usual for The Shire.

Kisha was pleasantly sore from the hard work, dirty and sweaty, but she was being useful so she did not mind. Her stomach grumbled when she crossed the doorstep of Bag End and her nose was assaulted with the magnificent scents of Bilba's cooking.

"Honey, I'm home!" Kisha called out, grinning. When she was at the entrance to the kitchen, Kisha continued. "What's cookin', good lookin'?"

"You stink like manure." Was Bilba's loving greeting. "Bath then lunch."

"Oh come now, Bilba." Kisha chuckled as she stalked to the frowning woman. "Give me a hug."

"No!"

"Too bad, you don't have a choice." Kisha said before swooping down on Bilba and hugging her tightly.

Bilba was squealing and wiggling in Kisha's tight grasp, all the while chanting 'Gross, gross, gross' and trying to hold her breath for as long as possible (it, obviously, didn't work). Kisha released Bilba with a huge grin after a few minutes of struggle.

"You idiot!" Bilba growled as she patted her hair down and smoothed down the wrinkles in her dress. "Look what you've done! Go and take a bath before I make you!"

"Of course, my dear." Kisha grinned as she walked backwards. "But, who's to say that I wouldn't like you forcing me into bath? I might need some help with the washing."

Kisha got a blush and a stutter at her not-so-subtle teasing followed by a thrown pot (which, thankfully, missed Kisha's head).

***

"Bilba, come on, talk to me." Kisha begged the hobbit. "I am sorry, Billy. Please, forgive me?"

But Bilba was refusing to talk to Kisha, even after three dozen of apologies. She was annoyed and she was not about to crumble (this time) but Kisha's wounded puppy face was making it harder not to. Bilba ignored Kisha and took the plate with her dinner to the table. She was about to take a bite when a loud knocking interpreted her. Bilba, forgetting she was annoyed at her, looked at Kisha in question.

"Did we invite someone for dinner?" Bilba wondered.

"I don't think so." Kisha replied, frowning in thought. "But I have a feeling we have forgotten something important."

"I better answer the door." Bilba said, pushing away from the table and her dinner.

***

The first thing that ran through Kisha's mind upon seeing the menacing-looking dwarf was: "Oh, shit.". Gandalf's face and words came to mind and Kisha was sure Bilba was going to kill the wizard.

Kisha and the dwarf sized each other up, Kisha in curiosity (for she has never seen a real dwarf) and Dwalin in wonder (for it has been a long time since he has seen a dwarrowdam).

"Hello." Kisha said, waving as awkwardly as possible.

"Dwalin, at yer service."

"Kisha, at yours."

An awkward silence settled between them.

"Ye have a lovely beard, lass." Dwalin complimented. It was good manners, after all.

"Oh," Kisha grinned. "Thank you. I like your tattooes."

"Aye."

Everything was alright until Dwalin's brother, Balin, arrived and they took the control over Bilba's pantry. Kisha was sure Bilba was going to have an aneurysm and die from the terrible treatment of her beloved food.

Then the knocking came again and Kisha followed Bilba (who was at the end of her nerves).

"Fili..." the blond, leonine dwarf started.

"and Kili..." the dark-haired one continued.

"At your service." Together they finished, bowing simultaneously.

"You must be Mistress Boggins." The dark one, Kili, said enthusiastically.

"No, no!" Bilba moaned. "This is the wrong place."

"Was it cancelled?" Fili asked, tilting his head slightly.

"What?"

"No, nothing was cancelled, do come in." Kisha interjected before Bilba could snap at the dwarves.

"Oh." Breathed Kili, eyes wide. "Look, Fili, it's a woman."

Kisha gaped like a fish, unsure how to feel about the exclamation. Fili had no problem with deciding, if the hard smack that made Kili howl like a wounded animal was anything to judge by.

"My apologies, Miss." Fili said, taking Kisha's hand and pressing a kiss to the back of her hand. "My brother was thrown from the top of the mountain one too many times as a child."

Kisha could only nod and smile. She was confused with all the attention the dwarves were giving her. Was she so strange?

***

Having dwarves fall on your feet was painful, Bilba discovered. She also discovered they were a merry bunch and that Gandalf was to blame (honestly, she should have expected that). Bilba was also surprised by the attention Kisha was receiving. Certainly, a woman with a beard was not unusual to dwarves?

And what was with the dwarves and the constant compliments on Kisha's beard?


	4. The road goes ever on

Kisha was amazed with the amount of hell twelve dwarves could wreck in one place. She was also amazed with how flustered and, just a bit, rude Bilba was. Kisha was awed with the dwarves and their merry attitude and lack of table manners. She liked them. They were people similar to her (what with the beards and body structure) and she felt like they were her kind of people. But Kisha was also confused with the way they were acting towards her. They were incredibly courteous and gentle. The dwarves moved her out of the way, not touching any place which would be inappropriate, placed food first in her plate and she was the first to be served ale. The younger dwarves (Fili and Kili) were sweet (although, Kili was slightly awkward because, according to Fili, they rarely met a dwarrowdam); Bifur was all smiles and soft voice (but the axe drew Kisha's attention away). All in all, Kisha liked their company and she was relaxed completely.

"So, what's a dwarrowdam like you doing in a place like this?" Asked the one with the funny hat, whom Kisha thought was named Bofur, grinning.

"Um..." Kisha said. "I am not a dwarrowdam."

"You have some of the Big Folk in you, aye?"

"No, I am from a different world."

"Really?" Asked Ori, sounding like Kisha gave him one of the best news ever. "I've read about people who came from another worlds. Is it true that you died in yours?"

"Yes." Kisha responded, feeling a twinge in her chest.

"Are you for a glass of wine, my dear?" Interrupted Dori, his hand upon Kisha's shoulder.

"Oh, no, thank you. I am more into stronger drinks, Sir."

That was how the evening passed for Kisha. The dwarves dotted upon her, acting like she was the most valuable treasure in the whole world.

Then they were banging upon the table with knives and forks, then singing what Bilba Baggins hates and throwing plates to one another. Kisha almost got a bowl in her face but, fortunately, she managed to catch it and throw it to the smirking Dwalin. They were all laughing at the face Bilba made when she saw her mother's best dishes washed, stacked and whole.

Then someone knocked.

***

"I thought you said this place was easy to find, Gandalf." A dwarf, a bit shorter than Kisha, said. "I lost my way. Twice."

Kisha snickered behind Bilba only to gasp in outrage when he insulted Bilba ("So, this is the hobbit? She looks more like a grocer than a burglar."). Gandalf sent her a warning look as he introduced the dwarf.

"Bilba, Kisha, this is Thorin Oakenshield, the leader of our company."

"A dwarrowdam?" Thorin questioned, as if he didn't believe such a thing existed. "Gandalf, you have not told a dwarrowdam was living with the hobbit."

"I forgot."

Kisha rolled her eyes, smiling at the lying wizard.

***

"So, what you're saying is," Kisha started, frowning. "You're on a quest to reclaim Erebor and slay a dragon?"

"Yes." Balin kindly replied.

"And how are you going to manage that?" Kisha continued to question. "You said it yourself, you're not thirteen of the bravest nor the brightest. A dragon, if the stories in my world are to be believed, is a huge creature that spits fire."

"Aye, Smaug is the greatest calamity of our age. Claws like meathooks, teeth like razors." Bofur interjected, grinning as if the dragon is but a fly. "Think furnace with wings. Flash of light, searing pain and, poof, you're nothing but a pile of ash."

Kisha turned when she heard a thud. A giggle escaped her at the sight of Bilba in dead faint on the floor, the contract still in her hand.

***

"You know, Bilba will come." Kisha told Thorin. "She just needs some time to realise that she wants to."

Thorin stared at Kisha, his eyes looking in- what Kisha thought- her very soul. His eyes were old, full of bitterness and pain. Kisha was unsure was it because of the song they sang or because of the life he was forced to live.

"What will you do, when Miss Baggins is gone?"

"Who said I would stay here?" Kisha grinned, eyes twinkling.

"Where will you go?" Balin asked, sitting himself on Thorin's right.

"With you, of course."

"And who said that I will let you?" Thorin queried, scowling at her.

"Who said I can't follow?"

"Are you even able to defend yourself? After all, you've been living in a place where you did not need to have any skill in weaponry."

"That does not mean I do not know to fend off an attacker."

"What are you going to use? Your bare hands? Lass," Balin asked. "don't be foolish."

"The only thing I need is a knife." Kisha answered, smiling grimly. "I am well versed in places that are the best for incapacitating a person."

"Could you kill?" Thorin inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Despite what my calling was, I could and I would. Kill or be killed, is it not?"

***

Kisha barely slept but she was bright and early to see the dwarves and Gandalf off. Bifur kissed her hand, making her blush and Bofur laugh. Fili and Kili hugged her. Kili even spun her round and round until they almost fell from dizziness. She watched them walk away with a smile on her face.

***

"What do you mean, they're gone?" Bilba squeaked.

"Just like I said. They are on their way to an adventure."

"But..."

"You want to go?"

"Well, yes!"

Kisha's only response was the contract shoved in Bilba's hands.

***

Running. Kisha hated running, especially with a backpack which bounced on her back as she did. She did not like how sweaty she became or how out of breath she was. Kisha glared at Bilba who was beaming despite panting for breath. It was annoying.

When Kisha was at the end of her strength, Bilba gave an excited shout. She looked to where Bilba was looking and thanked whatever deity there is in Middle Earth.

"I've signed it!" Bilba yelled, grinning like a kid in a candy store. "I've signed the contract."

Bilba gave the contract to Balin who inspected it with a critical eye. Kisha waved off the dwarves converging on her.

"Fucking hell." Kisha gasped. "My lungs just shriveled up and died."

"Not used to running, lass?" Dwalin laughed from atop a pony.

"Yeah." Kisha answered when she straightened up. "I have never ran for so long or so fast."

"Give the burglar a pony!" Thorin ordered, glaring at Kisha. "I told you not to come."

"Do I look like I care?" Kisha snapped.

"No, you look like you're about to keel over." Kisha thought Thorin was even smirking a tiny, minuscule smirk. It was annoying. "Whom do you want to ride with? Miss Baggins who looks like she doesn't know front end from the back or one of us?"

"Kili." Kisha grinned. "Or Fili. They are amusing."

"Glad to be of service, my Lady." Kili winked and offered her a hand.

"Are you sure you want to ride with my brother?" Fili asked Kisha just as she was to take Kili's hand. "He might make you fall."

"I will not!"

"And you're sure you can ride well?" Kisha smirked and made a show of looking Fili from the boots up. 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Fili winked, grinning, at Kisha.

"I'm riding with Kili."

Kisha laughed when Kili stuck his tongue at Fili. Fili rolled his eyes and straightened in the sadle.

"Here I thought you liked me more."

"Nope."

"You lose, brother dear."

***

Riding with Fili and Kili was more fun than anything Kisha has encountered in all of her life. It was also a learning experience (even though she was not sure everything they told her was the truth). Kisha even managed to fall asleep in the sadle, her arms wrapped around Kili (which he tied for safety reasons, not for amusement at her reaction when she woke up. No, not at all).

Kisha did not wake until she felt Kili move her arms and Bofur tickle her nose with a feather (no one knew where he got it from).

"Come on, lass, it's time to camp." Bofur said when she turned her head to glare at him.

"Yay." Kisha deadpanned, voice thick with sleep.

"You'll continue to nap when you're safely on the ground." Dwalin grunted as he effortlessly grabbed Kisha from the sadle and placed her down.

***

Bilba was not sure she made the right decision, but she liked it. She enjoyed the company even though they teased her. Although, Thorin would look much better if he did not glare and brood so much.

Bilba placed her bedroll next to Kisha's and tried to fall asleep. She could not: the snoring was coming from all sides, even from Kisha. Bilba twisted and turned then looked up when a thunderous snore startled her. It was Gloin.

"Moths?" Bilba mumbled, her eyes wide. "Yavanna help me, he's breathing moths in and out."

What kind of creatures were dwarves, anyway?


	5. Dwarven customs and blushing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kinda ran away from me XD It is not well written but I just could not make it better. I am so sorry

Kisha was on the middle of the night watch. She was sitting on the outside of the circle the dwarves made, her back turned to them and a pipe in her mouth. The stars were shining and the moon was full on the sky.

"What are you thinking about?" A cheerful voice Kisha recognized as Bofur's reached her ears.

"My old world."

"What about it?"

"The stars... The stars here I can see clearly and the formations are so different from what I have seen in my world. They are beautiful but..." Kisha sighed and offered a sad smile.

"But they're not home."

"Why are you awake Bofur?"

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"Nothing and everything."

"You sound worse than Gandalf." Kisha chuckled, turning her twinkling eyes to his.

"Oi! There's no need for insults."

Kisha's laughter woke up a few of their company, but Bofur did not care because he managed to wipe the sadness off her face.

***

"Why do you not have any braids in your beard and hair?" Asked the ever inquisitive Kili.

"Am I supposed to? I don't see you with any braids."

"That's because Kili's hair is more stubborn than he is and the braids just won't stay." Fili explained, shaking his head fondly. "We have tried everything."

"Maybe the braids from my world would stay. Do you want me to try, Kili?"

The reaction to Kisha's innocent question was immediate. All the dwarves seemed to gasp at the same time, Kili blushing and sputtering while his brother laughed. Kisha sent a questioning look towards Gandalf but he was of no help at all, Bilba even less.

"What? What did I say?" Kisha asked, glaring slightly. "Tell me!"

"You proposed!" Kili whispered, looking horrified by the mere thought of it.

"Oh hell no!" Kisha recoiled, almost falling off the pony as she tried to get as far away from Kili as possible. "Ew! I'd rather propose to Gandalf than you."

"Thank you, my dear, but you are not my type." Gandalf called from behind them, laughing.

"Is that because I am not long legged, blue eyed, blonde?" Kisha laughed back. "Or because I am that much shorter than you?"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Fili interrupted. "You do not know the dwarven customs?"

"You seem to forget that I am not a dwarf, Fili."

"You could have asked."

"Alright, will you teach me, oh sensei?"

"About that," Kili hesitated, drawing out the words. "I am not sure if we are allowed to tell you, Kisha."

"It that another dwarven custom I am not aware of?"

"Yes." Fili and Kili chimed in together.

"And how am I supposed to know when am I proposing or insulting someone, eh?"

"We will have to consult with Thorin and Balin about this."

***

Kisha was feeling distinctly uncomfortable. She was brushing her hair and some of the dwarves were staring at her, the younger ones even blushing as if she was dancing around naked while the older ones looked politely away.

When Bilba came to stand behind her and took the brush from Kisha, the dwarves were looking ready to choke on air.

"What are you lot staring at?" Snapped Bilba as she brushed Kisha's hair.

The dwarves shifted nervously and their eyes flickered to Balin and Thorin (who looked slightly amused by the goings-on).

"Well, you see lass," Balin cleared his throat. "This is something that only family and lovers are allowed to do. And Lady Kisha was even... Teasing with the public brushing of hair. It is improper."

"Bilba is like a sister to me, so there." Kisha snapped and stuck her tongue out. "And my hair gets terribly tangled if not brushed correctly and Bilba is the only one who knows how to handle my hair. You can all, kindly, back away."

"You should know more about our ways, Lady Kisha." Balin smiled gently. "From now on, you are riding with me."

Kisha sighed and tugged on her beard in annoyance. She could never win against these dwarves.

***

"What do you mean. I need to know the history of the dwarves? I am certain it is interesting and all but I do not think a few months long journey is long enough for me to learn anything right."

"My dear, You have to or I am not telling anything else."

"That's blackmail."

"Perhaps."

"It is illegal."

"Maybe in your world."

Nori was sure his face was going to split in half if the not-a-dwarrowdam and Balin continued. He was also sure Kisha will kill Balin with her eyes only if he did not give out any valuable information.

"Balin, I swear to Jesus Christ, I will slap you silly."

"Careful, you might hurt yourself."

"Yeah, you have thick skulls. Sorry, I forgot."

This time, Nori was unable to hide his laughter.

***

"At least tell me why you keep being all sweet to me."

"You're a woman, Kisha."

"So's Bilba."

"Well, she is not a dwarrowdam. Nor does she look like one."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"There is a lot of dwarves, but not even a third is female. They are as fierce and brave, as strong and resilient or skilled as male dwarves. They rarely travel, they dress like men do and we treasure them above anything else."

"That's why you're all chivalrous. Besides Thorin." Kisha grinned. 

"Yes."

"What about the braids?" Kisha queried as she glanced at other dwarves. "And beards."

"Well, most of the braids and beads we place in them are decorative, but some have meanings. The beads in Gloin's mean that he is married and a part of a guild."

"How do you know that?"

"The runes on them and the placement."

It was only a start of Kisha's education and she was sure, despite how interesting, she will forget half of it.

***

"Bilba Baggins, you better not hide those apples from me!" Kisha's voice rang through the clearing the company was camping at.

"What apples?" Asked Bilba, hiding two apples behind her back.

"The apples you were about to give to that pony of yours."

"Her name's Myrtle."

"Hand over the apple and no one will get hurt."

The dwarves watched Kisha step menacingly in the hobbit's direction. They thought the hobbit will run from Kisha but Bilba stood her ground. Kisha's eyes narrowed and she took two deliberate steps, coming to a stop a meter from Bilba. Kisha threw herself at Bilba with a shout and tackled the hobbit. The apples went rolling all the way to Fili and Kili.

Kisha used her weight and strength against Bilba, straddling and pinning her down. Black hair fell over Kisha's face as she grinned down at a glaring Bilba.

"What are you going to do now, Billy?" Kisha teased.

Bilba started to buck and twist under Kisha, swearing up a storm. Kisha held on firmly, not bothered in the slightest. After a few minutes, Bilba settled down, breathing heavily and glaring.

"Get your fat bum off of me." Bilba demanded.

"What's the magic word?"

"I will bite you."

"Nope."

"Stop acting like children!" Snapped Thorin, arms crossed just when Bilba opened her mouth to speak. "And pipe down."

Kisha released Bilba's hands and sat down on her haunches (and Bilba's legs). Both Bilba and Kisha glared at Thorin.

"Dude," Kisha said. "I have not had any quality time with Bilba since you lot came to Bag End. Back off."

"That does not mean you have to be loud enough to wake the dead." 

"Thank you for your opinion, it will be ignored."

Thorin stared at Bilba with his mouth open.

"Oooh" Fili and Kili laughed.

"Miss Baggins, do not speak to me in such a way. I will..."

"Spank me?" Bilba asked, glaring as she leaned on her elbows.

Kisha's eyes widened before she started to laugh. The company stared at her as she tried to get herself under control.

"Oh, Bilba," Kisha gasped. "I am a bad influence on you."

"What?" Bilba frowned in confusion.

"Spank me?" Kisha wiggled her eyebrows. Bilba gasped and blushed, eyes wide with realisation.

"No! Not like that."

Bofur smirked and chuckled, which made most of the company, especially Fili and Kili, laugh. Thorin scowled but, as he opened his mouth to speak, Bofur started to talk.

"If ye don't want Thorin to spank ye, lass, I'd do it."

Bilba was never able of expressing how embarrassed she felt at that moment.


	6. Of the Ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ruined Bofur's way of talk, sorry.
> 
> AND, I want to pair up Kisha with someone but I do not know with whom. Basically, I give you the right to vote.

"Tell me, Kisha," Bofur smiled as he siddled up to her and threw an arm around her shoulders.

"Tell you what?"

"Have you ever had a lover in your world?"

"Is that important?" Kisha asked and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Perhaps." Bofur chuckled. "I am just being friendly. You know, looking for information about my new friend."

"Oh." Kisha laughed. "Then okay. Sure, I have had a lover or two." "Anything serious?"

"No. I find myself unable to feel or even acknowledge romantic feelings, I just can't let myself feel that kind of love." Kisha sighed sadly. "I am too cold, you know."

"Nah, lassie," Bofur whispered in her ear, hugging her. "Ye son't seem cold ta me."

"That's because I have not been flirting with you, nor am I in that kind of relationship with you."

"But you did have lovers."

"I use lovers loosely, the term not people," Kisha smiled fondly, her eyes somewhere far away. "It was mostly friendship on my side, a bit of harmless fun."

"Sounds a bit..." Bofur waved her fingers around a bit, unsure which word to use.

"Yeah." Kisha sniffed but managed a smile. "What about you, Bof?"

"Oh, we dwarves have our Ones."

"Ones?"

"Aye." Bofur chuckled. "Ones. Basically, they are exactly what I said."

"They are..." Kisha hesitated briefly. "Soulmates? Your other half? Someone who completes you?"

"Aye."

"So," drawled Kisha, a glint in her eye. "Did you find your One?"

"Oh, aye." Bofur grinned delightedly. "He's even here."

"Really?" Kisha smiled, her eyes searching for one dwarf that would fit Bofur. "Who is it?"

"Nori."

"Really?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Aye." Bofur answered, his eyes softening.

"Do you think that I would be able to feel the same for someone, Bofur?" Uncertainty entered Kisha's voice.

"A little slower, perhaps, but you will." Bofur let Kisha snuggle up to him. "I think that you will feel the spark, feel the lightnening strike, the hit of a hammer on the head."

"That actually does not sound good. Or pleasant."

"But it feels good, if you let it."

"Were you with anyone else?" Inqueried Kisha. "Before you met Nori?"

"Of course I was." Bofur responded, the fingers of his left hands trailing down Kisha's cheek. "Knowing that I have my One did not mean that I have to wait. Sometimes, we never find our Ones but that is alright because we have hope, friends and loyalty and..."

"Love of our families." Interjected Fili with a whisper, his eyes shining. "If we do not find our Ones, we will dedicate ourselves to the crafts, like most of the dwarves."

Kisha looked at Fili as he sat down beside her. He stared at the fire and the flames danced in such a lovely way on his face, dancing with the shadows. Kisha smiled at his profile before she closed her eyes and fell asleep.


	7. Rain, rain and rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing much happens.

A terrible screech broke the relative silence, making Bilba gasp in fright. She turned from Myrtle (the pony did grow on her) and made her way closer to the fire, Fili and Kili, and Kisha.

"What was that?" Bilba hissed.

"No idea but it did not sound good." Kisha grinned, her teeth flashing in the firelight.

"Orcs." Fili answered, his face grim.

"Throat cutters." Kili continued, equally as grim.

"They sneak into camps when everyone's asleep. There's no screams."

"Only a lot of blood."Kili finished.

Bilba turned her head to look over her shoulder at the vast darkness beyond. She did not notice Fili and Kili snickering, but Kisha and Thorin did.

"You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?" Thorin growled, standing up from his place. Kisha just punched Fili in the shoulder, receiving a hurt look in return.

"We thought nothing by it." Kili mumbled, lowering his eyes.

"You know nothing of the world." Thorin finished, turning his back on everyone in the camp.

"Don't mind him, lad." Balin spoke, his voice kind and comforting like a warm blanket. "Thorin has more reason than most to hate the Orcs."

That's how Bilba and Kisha learned a bit more about dwarven history and their struggles. They learned a bit more about Thorin and came to understand why he was the way he was, bitter and brooding.

"There was one I could follow," Balin sent a glare to the snickering Kisha. "There was one I could call king."

Thorin turned to face them, his face a blank mask but Kisha could see the turmoil in his eyes. She would bet her right arm that he was not going to sleep that night. He made his way back to the spot he claimed, brushing his shoulder against Bilba's.

"What about Azog?" Bilba inquired, voice almost too silent to hear. "What happened to him?"

"He crawled back to the hole he came from and died." Thorin snapped but his eyes softened at the sight of Bilba's frightened ones. "You need not worry."

'But we do need.' Kisha thought as she noticed the look Gandalf and Balin exchanged.

 

***

 

"Lass, put on a cloak." Oin ordered Kisha. "You'll catch your death."

"No worries, Master Dwarf," Kisha grinned at him, hair plastered to her face, clothes sticking to her body. "my immune system is better here than in my original world."

"Aye, and you think you know more about health than me?"

"Perhaps." Kisha laughed. "I am a nurse, after all."

"And what would a nursemaid know about health?"

"Oh, I am not a nursemaid." Kisha frowned. "I am a nurse. That's a person who is trained to take care of the sick and injured."

"Yer a healer then, aye?"

"No, god no." Kisha laughed. "I do not have that level of education. I just care for people. Tend to the wounds, feed them, bathe them if they are unable to do it for themselves. The doctors, healers, do surgery, prescribe medicine and so on."

"So ye can't heal?"

"I would not say that. I am well versed in some healing herbs, I know how to stop hemorrhaging and a few more things."

"Hm." Hummed Oin, narrowing his eyes at her.

"You don't believe me."

"Can I ask a few questions?"

"Sure."

"What can you use for pain relief?"

"Willow bark."

"How would you stop the bleeding?"

"Direct pressure on the wound, if it's a larger bleeding I would tie above the wound tightly. You can also burn the wound."

"Hm." Oin hummed again, a small smile on his lips.

"Not doubting now?"

"Nay." Oin chuckled.

 

***

 

"Say, Mister Gandalf, can you do something about this deluge?" Dori asked the wizard, quite irritated by the constant pouring.

"If you want the rain to stop, find yourself another wizard."

"Are there any?" Bilba inquired, looking like a wet kitten.

"What?"

"Other wizards?"

"There are five of us. Saruman the White, the wisest and the head of our order, There are two blue wizards but I have forgotten their names..." Gandalf trailed off thoughtfully.

"Who's the fifth?"

"That would be Radagast. Radagast the Brown." Gandalf smiled.

"Is he a great wizard or..." Bilba trailed off briefly. "Or is he more like you?"

 

"Radagast is a great wizard, in his own way. He is a gentle soul, more comfortable with animals and nature." Gandalf defended.

"So, he's a flower child." Kisha grinned. 

"You could say that."

 

***

 

Hours of constant rain made the company irritated beyond belief. Even Bofur, who is the source of amusement no matter the time of the day, was frowning (the flaps of his hat also seemed to be annoyed, the way they fell down). Everything was wet: clothes, hair, food, weapons, trees, rocks.. Kisha was pretty sure she could wring her skin and squeeze out a gallon of water out.

Fili and Kili looked like sad puppies. They did not joke around or tease each other, their eyes have lost the shine they usually had. But no one looked worse than Bilba.

***

Kisha frowned at everything around her, be it a person or a tree. Her butt hurt from all the riding because Thorin refused to stop. Not even to find shelter from the rain. Gandalf looked at her and, seeing her glare, chuckled.

Kisha loved the rain but too much was too much.


	8. Trolls and heart attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prodigal daughter has finally written a new chapter. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> And I would like to get a beta. Just so you know XD

Woods turned to rocks and plains, with a few trees scattered here and there. Everything was pale when compared to the colorful Shire, but it was still beautiful. 

The rain stopped and our little group of different people, different personalities and wishes, felt infinitely better. Laughter once again could be heard (with a sneeze or two from Bilba and me). We were joking and teasing. It was good, it was great and I could not keep the smile off my face. Of course, at times, we were so silent that a person would think we were going to someone's funeral. Then again, it was our funeral, something like a last stand and act of our lives. We managed to not let that depressing thought cripple us, thankfully.

***

"A farmer and his family used to live here." Gandalf mused as he touched the blackened stone of the small, ruined house.

Of course, Thorin ignored Gandalf's warnings, proving how stubborn he is. Gandalf threw a temper tantrum that amused almost everyone in the group, even Dwalin, but worried Bilba.

The camp was set up and everyone was doing something. Bombur was cooking, Bofur making a toy from a scrap of wood (humming and smiling as he did), Dwalin was playing with his battle axes (meaning, he was sharpening them with so much care it looked like he was caressing them). The fire was warm and crackling, its flames casting playful shadows as they danced. I closed my eyes and laid back on the grass with my arms as my pillow. I let the buzz of the dwarves talking lull me into a light sleep, ignoring them when the food was done. Someone threw a coat over me and I snuggled into its warmth, breathing in the scent of musk and ash deeply.

But everything that's perfect has to end and my peace was disturbed by Fili and Kili, both panicked beyond belief, who were yelling something about trolls and Bilba and horses (I think they have mentioned owls too). Thorin was the first one to stand, sword in hand. He looked so scary that I thought his glare would kill everyone who dared to stand in his way. Then we were sneaking in the forest, Fili and Kili (the idiots) leading the way. My heart was beating like drums, the sound somehow sounding like it was coming from the depths of a hole. I was afraid. I feared for Bilba, for the dwarves who became my friends in this short time. I feared for myself.

***

Stupidly, I charged in the fray, screaming like an idiot. I had no weapon and the trolls were mountains compared to me. I ran around like a headless chicken, my eyes wide. My dear dwarves ignored me as much as possible, but I was in the way and Thorin almost impaled me himself (I don't think it was an accident). Then Bilba was caught and I got a heart attack. Literally. I clutched my chest, feeling like the air was being sucked out of me and it hurt like you would not believe it.

"Breathe, just breathe." I kept whispering to myself. I whimpered as the pain started to spread up my neck and down my left arm. "Oh god, no."

Tears pricked my eyes by the time I was stuffed in the smelly bag and thrown in the pile of dwarves on the ground. Balin looked at me, concern and panic in his face. I turned my head away from him, my eyes closed and teeth clenching.

"Kisha," whispered Kili, his voice choked up. "are you alright?"

"No," I breathed. "my heart. It hurts."

"Can you breathe? Were you hit?"

I did not answer.

I fainted.

***

I woke up to the smell of rot and other disgusting scents. I felt weak, drained and small. Bifur was sitting with me, gently holding my hand.

"Hey." I croaked.

He looked at me and I could see the questions in his dark, brown eyes. I could see concern and affection and fear, and it was all for me.

"It was just a heart attack." I whispered, squeezing his hand and smiling. "But I am alive and well. I am alive!"

I could not stop the tears or the sobs from bursting from me. I was in Bifur's arms in a second, him talking softly in my ear in Khuzdul. I could have died, again. I could have been lost to this world that I came to love. And the guilt because of not sparing more than a few moments to think about my baby sister was almost enough to give me another heart attack.

"Kisha!" I heard Bilba then felt her arms around me. I almost laughed through my tears because I knew she ripped me from Bifur's. "You're alright, darling, you're okay."

"I will be even better if you released your hold on me just a bit."

Bilba released me completely and I looked into her pale, frightened face. I frowned as I looked her over.

"Bilba, I love you and all, but what the fuck are you covered in?" It was sticky and smelly and now on me.

"Troll boogers."

I think my face was quite comical because both Bilba and Bifur started to laugh at my expense and I smiled at their mirth. I had a feeling that this would be one of the last times they would be laughing so freely and that it would be one of the last times I could see them laugh. I committed the moment in a special place in my memory.

For the moment, I was okay. I was one than okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
